Baseball Nation does not exist to make fun of the Marlins. Really, it doesn't. When the Marlins unveiled their new logo, and it looked like Tron light cycles having an orgy, we had no choice. We had to poke fun when it was a rumor, and we had to do it again when it was confirmed. It was just that hideous.
But we're better now. Heck, the new ballpark is supposed to have some super-cool features, like a fish tank behind home plate.
I mean, that's kind of neat. It fits in with the team name, the overall motif ... kind of neat. See? We're not here just to make fun of the Marlins.
Except when we have no choice. Which, again, it looks like we don't. There's no way around this one, again. The Marlins are planning a structure beyond the center-field wall of their new ballpark. This structure will light up and make a fancy hullabaloo whenever a Marlin hits a home run. And remember, they have Mike Stanton, so they could be firing up this thing quite a bit.
Now close your eyes, and think about what this structure might look like. Go ahead. Let your imagination run wild.
Have a pretty good guess? Okay, you'll need to try again. No, I know the one in your head was pretty bad, but the actual proposal is worse. So close your eyes, and think of something even more garish.
Yeah, I'd say you're not trying hard enough, but it's probably a good thing that your brain isn't manufacturing something that's close. Millions and millions of years of evolution have made sure that the human brain has safeguards built in, just so it can't conjure something like this on short notice.
Are you ready? No. No, you're not. You never will be. No one will be. But here we go.
Behold. This is what will happen when the Marlins hit a home run. It's what Bernie Brewer thinks he's sliding down after a couple buttons of peyote. Don't avert your eyes. Look at it. Study it. This is what we've become.
If Carnival and Las Vegas had a baby, this would be the placenta. If Charlton Heston ever lands on Planet of the Fish, this will be their version of the "It's a Small World" ride. This is what would happen if Vikings attacked a Gloria Estefan concert by catapulting flamingos and marlins into the pyrotechnics display.
Grooms is designing a spectacular signature home run feature that will be in the center-field area. Originally from Nashville, Tenn., Grooms now lives in New York. His display will incorporate water, lasers, sound effects and caricatures of Marlins.
Sound effects. This thing will shriek, too. At the very least, it will make high-pitched shrieks that we can't hear, but the pod people can, and it will signal to them that it's okay to come down and feast on our skulls. But there's also a chance that it will make sounds we can hear, and that's even worse.
Is this too much? Is this an overreaction? Loooooook at that thing. Look at it again.
Hey, I'm happy for Miami. After years of playing in a multi-purpose stadium, they finally get a baseball-only park that includes elements embodying the team name and the surrounding area. It's an improvement. And in a couple of decades, we'll look back at this and laugh. It adds color to the game's history. Lots and lots and lots and lots of color. It's a shame that people had to live through some of the uniforms they have, but now that they're not around anymore, those uniforms sure are amusing!
This is like that, except we're about to live through it, which isn't so amusing. Congratulations on the new ballpark, Miami. And thanks for the laughs you gave us with the logo and home-run monstrosity. In eight months, I'm sure we'll all trade those laughs back for not seeing this stuff again. Ever.