So the Miami Marlins are meeting with Albert Pujols, either on Friday or Saturday. The franchise has been saving for this offseason, and it's not entirely crazy to think that they have an outside shot at some of the top free agents. If Pujols were to sign with the Marlins, we can expect the following timeline of future headlines:
Marlins Sign Albert Pujols
The Florida Marlins stunned the baseball world today, signing free-agent superstar Albert Pujols to a 10-year, $243 million deal. The Marlins signed Pujols in anticipation of their new stadium, hoping to reinvent a franchise that was long known as one of the most frugal in Major League Baseball.
The move sent shockwaves throughout baseball, stunning industry insiders who expected the slugger to re-sign with the St. Louis Cardinals.
Red Sox Are Probably Going To Sit The Offseason Out
The Boston Red Sox, one of nine teams in the major leagues to win 90 games in 2011, announced that they were not likely to make any trades or free-agent signings this winter.
Ben Cherington explained the decision in a press conference on Tuesday. "Everywhere I go in Boston, people are constantly saying things like, 'Hey, nice season. Let's hope the guys we have get better next year" and 'The Cardinals had the same record as us in the regular season, and they won the World Series, so keep on keepin' on.'"
Red Sox owner John Henry echoed the sentiment. "With players like Juan Rivera making $4 million already, we kind of had an idea that the offseason was going to be expensive. It was nice to hear the fans tell us to save our money."
Phillies Trade Halladay, Lee To Pirates
Citing a desire to cut costs, the Philadelphia Phillies traded pitchers Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee to the Pittsburgh Pirates today, receiving infielders Brandon Wood and Andy Marte in exchange.
"One of those guys has to pan out, right?" asked GM Ruben Amaro, Jr. "With the Howard contract starting, and Shane Victorino approaching free agency, we figured we have to save some money somewhere. We had extra pitching, so it was easy to deal from a strength."
There were unconfirmed reports that the Phillies originally demanded that the Pirates reacquire Andy LaRoche to include him in the deal with Wood and Marte so that the Phillies could, in the worlds of Amaro, "put them together like a goddamned Voltron and blow this place up, yeeeeehaaaaaaaw!"
Bud Selig: "We Are All Making A Fuckton Of Money"
… the commissioner in an unscheduled conference call with reporters. "Just a fuckton of money. Hand over fist. This MLB Advanced Media stuff … do you realize what a gold mine that is?" Selig said, his voice trembling with excitement.
"Look, the NFL can keep their shiny TV ratings, but we have people logging on to our web site and throwing money at us every day. Attendance has never been better, and the local TV ratings are through the roof. And, just between you, me, and the lamppost here, the players probably aren't getting their fair share."
Absolutely No One Returns To Camp In Best Shape Of Their Lives
With the exhibition season about to start in the Cactus League, new Cubs GM Jed Hoyer exclaimed surprise that everyone he had seen so far was fat and out of shape and fat.
"Look, I kind of figured that Todd Coffey probably wasn't going to show up with abs of steel, but did you look at Rickie Weeks? Dude looks like he swallowed a medicine ball filled with hams. Clayton Kershaw walked by me a few minutes ago, and for a second I thought it was David Wells."
An informal survey around the league indicates that Hoyer's initial theory is correct, with dozens of players showing up to camp with bellies that spill over the belt buckles of their uniforms.
"Maybe it has something to do with the apocalyptic predictions that everyone's talking about," Hoyer said, referring to the growing sentiment that the eruption of Yellowstone's caldera, worldwide earthquake epidemic, and discovery of flaming goat carcasses raining from the sky in Argentina are somehow related.
"I guess if the world's going to end, there's no sense leaving the bacon off of that cheeseburger," said Hoyer.
Logan Morrison's Cryptic Tweet Causes Panic
Yankees Sign Yu Darvish For 16 Cans Of Food
The New York Yankees flexed their muscles in the free-agent market on Sunday, inking Japanese superstar Yu Darvish to a contract that will give him a can of food per week during the regular season.
"I'm so hungry. Please, help me. I need food. My family needs food." said Darvish, who claimed that he hadn't eaten since the world became an apocalyptic wasteland of ash and fire.
The Yankees won the right to negotiate with Darvish after bidding a ham radio and six vials of antibiotics that were only slightly expired.