C.J. Wilson is a free agent starting pitcher in what's widely considered to be a pretty thin market when it comes to free agent starting pitchers. The last two years, he's posted a 3.14 ERA over 67 starts with the Texas Rangers, so he's probably the best starter available. He's represented by agent Bob Garber.

The Los Angeles Angels are an organization looking to return to the top of the league after missing the playoffs for two years in a row. They have some money to spend, they're always thinking big, and they have some openings, including in the starting rotation.

One of the following tweets is real. The others, I wish were.

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Dipoto: Listen, we're not looking for some kind of fling.
Dipoto: We're looking to settle down, you know?
Dipoto: When I look five, six years in the future, you know what I see?
Dipoto: I see your client and us, side by side.
Dipoto: I see your client and us, together, walking this path we call life.
Dipoto: I'll take care of your client here.
Dipoto: We'll take care of your client here.
Dipoto: I feel like we have a connection, and I want to see where it goes.
Dipoto: Your client belongs with us.
Dipoto: Your client belongs with us, and we belong with your client.
Dipoto: What do you say?
Garber: /shifts eyes

Dipoto: Hey, Bob!
Garber: Hello.
Dipoto: What's going on? How are things?
Garber: Well, you know, it's getting to be a busy time, and-
Dipoto: /tickles Garber
Garber: What are you-
Dipoto: Knock knock!
Garber: Wh-
Garber: What?
Dipoto: Knock knock!
Garber:
Dipoto:
Garber:
Dipoto: Knock knock!
Garber:
Dipoto:
Garber:
Dipoto: Banana!
Garber: Are you here to talk about C.J. Wilson or screw around?
Dipoto: Screw a round of what? Even one woman is a handful!
Dipoto: If you know what I mean!

Dipoto: Three million, one year, two club options at the same price.
Garber: Are you serious?
Garber: For C.J. Wilson?
Garber: No, that will not be enough.
Dipoto: All right, I tried.

Cohen:
Garber:
Cohen:
Garber:
Cohen: Hey.
Garber: Hey...
Cohen: What's up?
Garber:
Garber: I'm just...
Garber: I'm sorry, who are you?
Cohen: David Cohen.
Garber: Mm hmm?
Cohen: I'm the Angels' director of legal affairs and risk management.
Garber: I see.
Cohen: Jerry sent me here.
Garber: Do you know why?
Cohen: Not really.
Garber: Was it about C.J. Wilson?
Cohen: I really don't know.
Garber: Huh.
Cohen: Yeah...
Garber:
Cohen:
Garber:
Cohen: That chair looks kind of risky.

Phone: /rings
Phone: /rings
Dipoto: /sends to voicemail
Phone:
Phone: /rings
Phone: /rings
Dipoto: /sends to voicemail
Phone:
Phone: /rings
Phone: /rings
Dipoto: /sighs
Dipoto: /answers
Garber: Jerry, I-
Dipoto: Listen Bob, stop calling me.
Dipoto: Just stop calling me, all right?
Dipoto: Just stop. Jesus.
Dipoto: /hangs up
Dipoto: Jesus.