Why are the Orioles having such a hard time filling their open GM position? Perhaps these not made-up transcripts of actual conversations will illuminate what's going on.
By the time you finish this article, another GM will have turned down the Orioles and Peter Angelos. Bill Bavasi made up some excuse about how he couldn't get time off from the driving range to interview, and Cam Bonifay tried to set his phone to send Angelos' calls straight to voicemail. Instead he accidentally set his alarm for 4:32 a.m., but that's not the point. The Orioles are having trouble finding a general manager.
The reason? Not sure, exactly. I'm just a know-nothing with a Twitter account, but there are a lot of different reasons, apparently. Let's dig through some unedited transcripts and see if we can't figure it out.
Jerry DiPoto: There are rumors that the GM will lack complete control.
Peter Angelos: Nonsense. Completely false.
DiPoto: That's great to hear. It's weird how things spread sometimes.
Waiter: Are you ready to order?
Angelos: Yes. I will have the beef tenderloin and he'll have the hazelnut-crusted halibut. I'll have a glass of the '97 Sumner. He will not.
DiPoto: Wait, what?
Angelos: Pretty sure that's what you wanted. And red wine makes you flush.
DiPoto: I was just going to get a salad. And I'm allergic to hazelnuts.
Angelos: Even better. I get to see how you respond in a crisis. I have two pills; one is cyanide, and one is Benadryl. You will need to ask me seven questions …
Tony LaCava: And that is my six-step plan to acquiring Joey Votto without losing one of the Orioles' top prospects.
Angelos: Back on slide #3, what was that?
Angelos: I notice that you don't have a slide that explains how you're replacing Roberts's heart.
LaCava: Well, presumably Votto has a functioning …
Angelos: And what of the thriving Brian Roberts shirsey market?
LaCava: This isn't …
Angelos: Am I supposed to throw that away for some first baseman who isn't Brian Roberts? I even have it on good authority that this Votto character isn't even from this country.
LaCava: I'll see myself out.
Angelos: No, no. You have the job. You just need to explain to me how you'll build a team around Brian Roberts.
LaCava: /leaves through open window
Angelos: Thank you for meeting me, John Henry, like this.
DeJon Watson: You're not John Henry.
Angelos: I believe you understand how sweet this job as GM of the Red Sox is, so I will not waste your time. Here is a contract for you to sign immediately.
Watson: You're not John Henry. And that isn't a giant Red Sox logo behind you -- that's just a bunch of red construction paper in the shape of a pair of socks, taped over an Oriole. And the socks are pointing the wrong direction.
Angelos: We could do the interview here, or we could … ahem … go to a "bah" and get a drink. Notice how the "r" in "bar" was dropped because I'm John Henry.
Watson: John Henry is from California. And he doesn't have a mustache. Why are you wearing a fake mustache?
Angelos: I would like you to sign this paper, please, so we can get down to business.
Angelos: Hi, can I speak with … Mike Radcliff?
Mike Radcliff: makes the international "I'm not here" wavy-motion with his hands
Bill Smith: Uh, he's not here.
Mike Radcliff: (whispering) Tell him I'm on vacation.
Smith: He's on vacation.
Radcliff: (whispering) Wait: sabbatical.
Smith: He's on sabbatical.
Radcliff: (whispering) Wait: forced administrative leave for stealing office supplies and sleeping with the owner's daughter.
Smith: He's on forced administrative leave for stealing office supplies and sleeping with the owner's daughter.
Radcliff: (whispering) Wait: murdering the owner's daughter and wearing her entrails like a scarf because she suggested a possible transaction to me.
Angelos: Say, what's that on the floor? Is that a nameplate?
Billy Ripken: Uh, yeah. And I think it has my name on it.
Angelos: That's odd! Maybe you've been hired! Check it out!
Billy Ripken: I'm a little concerned by the large cage suspended over the nameplate, and the rope that leads from the cage to a hook a few inches from your right hand.
Angelos: Check out the nameplate! Pick it up.
Billy Ripken: Wait, does that read "Billy Ripken: Fuck Face?" Why would I want that on my desk? If I were the GM, shouldn't that be … more professional?
Angelos: Man. What a weird typo. How could someone turn "Cal" into "Billy?"
Billy Ripken: I'm Billy.
Billy Ripken: …
Angelos: This is awkward.