ST LOUIS, MO - FILE: FILE: Albert Pujols #5 of the St. Louis Cardinals bats during Game Seven of the MLB World Series against the Texas Rangers at Busch Stadium. (Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images)
What did all of the teams do after Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Angels? They figured out what to do next, of course.
After finding out that Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Angels, you probably did the same thing I did: spat out your coffee all over your laptop in a comically exaggerated fashion and cancelled your dentist's appointment because you were going to be writing all day.
But the teams around baseball had a much different day. They had to get a to-do list going and focus on their new priorities now that Albert Pujols was on the Los Angeles Angels. Here are brief snippets from those to-do lists:
Marlins - Spray revenue-sharing money from a fire hose into the air and dance under it nude. Text pictures of the debauchery to every remaining free agent, inviting them to join the team, possibly while quoting Al Pacino's pitch to Keanu Reeves from the end of The Devil's Advocate.
Mets - Call Mo Vaughn and Carlos Delgado, see what they're up to. Get bitter and call them ungrateful when they ask why they were called collect. Hang up. Write check to Bobby Bonilla.
Braves - Crumple up old to-do list that read, "Sign Pujols. Lose in second round of playoffs this time." Start new to-do list.
Reds - F--kin' party.
Cubs - Go over to the Reds' place. Grab a beer from the six-pack on the table. Toss one to the Brewers. Scream a primal scream at the moon because Pujols is gone, man. He gone.
Brewers - Pretend to enjoy the party for a bit before getting too drunk and loudly complaining about the breakup with Prince. Explain that no one really understands.
Pirates - Stand in the corner, awkwardly trying to make conversation. End up telling people about the pet iguana we keep around the office, and how he eats live crickets.
Astros - Sneak out of the party and drunkenly call Mike Ilitch. Attempt to convince him that the Tigers have to move to the AL West for reasons of "national security." Get the spins after thinking about Pujols again. Wake up in the bathroom of a Stuckey's.
Cardinals - Blow out the pilot light on the stove. Turn the gas up. Wait for the party to die down a little bit. Wait. Wait. Wait for it. Wait for it.
Dodgers - Sign nine utility infielders. Seal them in Tupperware. Wait for society to collapse and for the new economy to be based on utility infielders. Quickly spend all of the utility infielders. File for bankruptcy.
Padres - Think about Adrian Gonzalez wistfully. Look up the franchise leaderboard out of nostalgia. Assign an intern to find out who Nate Colbert was. Figure out how he still leads the franchise in home runs.
Yankees - Get past seasons of Mad Men from Netflix. See what Jeffrey Loria meant when he drunk-dialed Hank Steinbrenner and said "I'm the Ted Chaough to your Don Draper, sucko! Comin' for you. Comin' for you, punk!"
Red Sox - Scrap plans for Operation Doo-Doo Head -- a proactive, six-point strategy on how to assassinate Pujols's character to the media after he left the Red Sox in 2021.
Rays - Clip out an article from Good Housekeeping titled "How to Save Money and Make Your Own Albert Pujols (Using Felt and Twine!)
Orioles - Chew Dan Duquette the hell out for not getting the idea to sign the best hitter and pitcher on the market. Text Jerry DiPoto and make sure he's really happy where he's at.
Tigers - Get lawyers to send out cease-and-desist letters to anyone who refers to Pujols as the game's best-hitting first baseman.
White Sox - Trade Adam Dunn and some draft picks for an expiring contract. Sign John Danks to the mid-level exception. Tell Selig that you'll cut him if he voids any of the deals for "baseball reasons."
Twins - Quietly accept the fact that Pujols would have developed scurvy, polio, and trench mouth the second he signed a huge contract with the Twins.
Royals - Re-hire the people who were around when Pujols played at a community college in Kansas City and dropped to the 13th round of the draft. Fire them again, just to be sure.
Indians - Take off hat covered in question marks. Hang up purple jumpsuit. Gently lean Cane of Madness against the back of the closet. Rest with confidence, knowing that the Mystery Team will strike again at any time.
A's - Morosely camp out in adobe hut under roof made from 50 feet of crap. Turn on the black-and-white television. See if there's any money for a soda from the machine.
Mariners - Use own blood to scrawl, "OKAY, SCREW IT. WE'RE MOVING THE FENCES BACK, WE'RE DIGGING A MOAT IN FRONT OF THE WARNING TRACK, AND WE'RE LETTING THE INFIELD GRASS GROW TWO FEET HIGH. IF WE CAN'T SCORE, NEITHER CAN YOU, ASSHOLES" on stationary. Address an envelope to the Angels' front office. Throw the letter away. Spend the rest of the day looking at UZR rankings on FanGraphs.
Angels - Make plans to sell a whole lot of Pujols-related crap for the next decade.