DETROIT, MI - APRIL 12: Miguel Cabrera #24 of the Detroit Tigers is mobbed by teammates after hitting a RBI single in the bottom of the ninth inning to beat the Texas Rangers 5-4 at Comerica Park on April 12, 2011 in Detroit, Michigan. (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)
Anyone can look at a list of teams and order them by what their records are, but why do that when you can make snap judgments and annoy fans of every team? This power ranking is based solely on how cool the team name is.
|1||Tigers||The archetype of a good team name. Something exotic that can rip your face off.|
|2||Pirates||A name that suggests swashbuckling adventure, so it could lead to a false-advertising suit, but it still works as a good name.|
|3||Giants||Works on a literal and figurative level. Classic. I'm not biased at all.|
|4||Mariners||Geographically appropriate, and makes me think of tridents, which makes me think of Ruprecht in "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels."|
|5||Rangers||Texas Rangers were pretty respected and feared by the bad guys, and the name makes me think of those hilarious Chuck Norris jokes. What ever happened to those? Bring 'em back, I say!|
|6||Blue Jays||It's a good team name because it might distract the opponent by making them think about how annoying blue jays are.|
|8||Diamondbacks||Snakes are underrepresented in the team-name landscape. There's no reason why that should be. They'll freak you out, and then they'll kill you. The prejudice is probably because of a lingering anti-Cobra Kai sentiment left over from the '80s, but it's time to move on.|
|9||Rockies||Straddles the line between "geographically appropriate" and "boring," but it's about as appropriate of a name as you can get for a team in Denver.|
|10||Astros||The Houston Astronauts would have been kind of boss, but this isn't a bad consolation prize. Reminds you of "The Jetsons," which isn't the worst thing in the world.
|11||Dodgers||Used to be Trolley Dodgers, which was kind of cool in its uniqueness.The name hasn't fit, though, ever since Prop 33 criminalized public transportation in Los Angeles, so they're the Utah Jazz of baseball.|
|12||Yankees||A pejorative term that's used with pride, hinting at a kind of arrogance that only winners can afford to display. Yeah, that's about right.|
|13||Cardinals/Orioles (tie)||Completely boring birds. We're just lucky the ornithologists got there before the botanists, or we'd have to watch the St. Louis Hawthorns and the Baltimore Black-Eyed Susans.|
|14||Marlins||They get bonus points for having the most delicious team name out there.|
|15||Padres||Inoffensive and forgettable. So at least it fits.|
|16||Rays||Moved up once they dropped one part of their old four-part name. There's ambiguity too, as you don't know if they're the kind of rays you can pet in an aquarium, or the kind that kill nature-show hosts.|
|17||Twins||The most boring name in the majors.|
|18||Nationals||I stand corrected. At least when you think of "Twins" there's a chance you can get the song "Frankenstein" stuck in your head.|
|19||Mets||Alright, fine. This is the most boring team name in baseball. Nay, the most boring team name in sports. Short for "Metropolitans" -- isn't that a gas? If Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked this team name, it would still be boring. Man, I miss those Chuck Norris jokes! And remember when Kanye West took the stage? That was hilarious too.
|20||Royals||Because when you want to strike fear in the hearts of your competitive rivals, you want them to think of inbreeding and hemophiliacs.|
|21||Cubs||Squeeeee! Baby bears!|
|22||Phillies||The San Francisco Frannies. The Atlanta Atties. The Boston Bosties. Do it for any city, and it sounds stupid, but because you're used to this one, it's somehow okay? Open your eyes, sheeple.|
|23||Indians/Braves (tie)||The people who came up with these might have had the best of intentions...but, yeah. They don't hold up well. There's nothing to write here that wouldn't turn this into a political discussion, but, hey, isn't "Angels" a stupid name for a team?
|24||Angels||The least fearsome team name in professional sports, and it isn't especially close. At least with the Cubs, you can picture a baby bear getting carried away and drawing blood.
|25||Athletics||This isn't a team name, it's a snippet of an online dating profile. Might as well be the Oakland Handsomes or the Oakland Goals-Orienteds|
|26||Reds||It's a color. More than one, judging by the pluralization. Okay. Even worse, it used to be "Red Stockings." Who names a team after socks?|
|27||Red Sox/White Sox (tie)||Seriously? What is this about? There had to have been some turn-of-the-century cabal that, if they had their way, would have named every team after footwear. The Pittsburgh Hosiery. The Philadelphia Knee-Highs. Not acceptable in any capacity. When you root for one of these teams, you're rooting for the creepy fetish of a dead man.|