RESULTS: The Most B.J. Surhoff Baseball Card Ever

Hours ago, I asked you to help me determine the most B.J. Surhoff baseball card of all time. Not the best, or the worst, or the most representative. Simply the most. I'm very happy to find that you knew exactly what I was talking about.

Here are some of your answers:

We have found a winner, courtesy of twoeightnine, who suggested this 1991 Topps Stadium Club card.

This is an extremely provocative choice. Consider the following:

• This is a Walt Weiss card, not a B.J. Surhoff card.
• If we were to line up every baseball player of that generation end to end, from most notable to least notable, I believe these two gentlemen would be standing right next to one another.
• This is one of my favorite action shots, because I can't figure out what's going on in it. I guess Surhoff took a pretty big lead off second. Carney Lansford snagged a line drive at third for the out, then whipped it over to second to double up Surhoff. Which is weird, because I don't think Weiss, a shortstop, should have been the one to cover second. Anyway, Lansford's throw flies way off the mark, Weiss flails his body toward it in futility, and bang, baseball card photo.

Yep. This is definitely the most B.J. Surhoff baseball card ever. Never the star, but always in the periphery, waiting to take out your ankles.

Honorable mentions:

The Fleer Aficionado card (suggested by sddbaker, who was kind enough to provide context for the weird giant face with an answering machine narration.

This card (suggested by njpaNick), because seriously you guys, what is wrong with his eye.

Topps Gallery, No. 41. Suggested by @GuardianNJL, who nails it: "Because I think Surhoff's impact on most teams is summed up by 'Helpful, generally.'"

1987 Topps, Future Stars (suggested by @Drewcab415, Tom Fornelli, @domifanotherkid, @BadgerNoonan , and @awesomeseank). Wow. I didn't really start paying attention to baseball cards until 1988, so any card made before then was a long-lost artifact to me. This was such an artifact. I convinced myself that Future Stars were super rare, and that the likes of Surhoff and Gregg Jefferies were destined for greatness. I was right. Sweet catcher's mitt, bro. Sweet no other catcher's equipment, bro.

1988 Toys R Us (first suggested by @Unsilent). The Sports Hernia summed it up pretty well: "B.J. Surhoff, forced to play baseball."

Well, then! Once again, we have solved a pressing issue of our day. Thank you so much for your assistance.

Imperative Baseball Debate: What Is The Most B.J. Surhoff Baseball Card?

Beckett Baseball Card Monthly used to (maybe they still do) use a term to price baseball cards: semistar.

Semistars were never explicitly defined, and a roster of semistars was never listed, but we all kind of knew what that meant. Perhaps a semistar was a once-good player whose injuries had robbed him of most of his a talent, or a guy who threw a no-hitter last year, or a guy who hit 23 home runs, once.

The poster child for semistardom is B.J. Surhoff, who was world-famous for hitting .320 one time and hitting 28 home runs one time. He was a solid baseball player for a long time. So were a lot of guys, though. We didn't know their names, but for reasons beyond my grasp, we all knew who B.J. Surhoff was. (Note: Surhoff is certainly not the most obscure player of his era to hit .320; until you and I have an opportunity to debate this point within these pages, the champion by default is Dave Magadan.)

Surhoff's cards were worth approximately two quarters of a s*** in real-world currency, which translates to approximately 30 cents in Beckett's imaginary artificial price guide moon-world that orbits around a planet which is also imaginary. Surhoff was the purveyor of a very specific sort of flair, however. The man, as he appeared on a baseball card, had style.

Finally, the question that shall spark Wednesday's Imperative Baseball Debate:

What Is The Most B.J. Surhoff Baseball Card?

I submit these three guys for consideration:

1991 Topps Stadium Club No. 206

Relevant answering-machine message: hey guys, this uh, this is b.j. surhoff. i can't come to the phone right now 'cause i'm busy reacting to a ball hit to right-center field with nobody on base at the speed of light. also it is dark behind me because i am playing baseball in space. just leave your, uhh, name and number and i'll call you back when i get back from playing hyper-baseball in space. thanks.

1993 Donruss No. 545

Relevant answering-machine message: oh gorsh hey guys this is b.j. surhoff, i can't come to the phone right now 'cause i'm caught in a pickle, please leave a message and i'll call y'back OK GOTTA GO BYE

Relevant message left on answering machine: Hi, this is Bob from Donruss. We're just going to go ahead and take this picture of you getting caught in a pickle and making a wonky unflattering "Oh no, I'm about to be tagged out!" face and put it on a baseball card because we don't care about our jobs. Good luck with the pickle. Thanks!

2000 Pacific Revolution, No. 23

Relevant answering-machine message: hi guys this is b.j. surhoff, i can't come to the phone right now because i'm trapped in andy warhol's existentialist 1990s-themed fever dream. i'm pretty sure i'm playing baseball against a bunch of scribbles and possibly an array of polka dots. anyway leave me a message, or don't, because who cares, because meaning itself is rendered meaningless and all actions are equivalent and on principle doomed to failure. bye you guys

Relevant message left on answering machine: Hey dude, this is Andy Warhol. Sorry.

So! Is one of these three baseball cards the most B.J. Surhoff baseball card? Is there a card floating out there that is even more B.J. Surhoff? Please, friend, help me find an answer. Make your voice heard in the comments below, or tweet me at @jon_bois. I'll meet you again this afternoon to sort through the answers and determine a winner.

Thanks in advance. I have faith that, as always, you and I will arrive at the correct answer.