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Michael "El Diablo" Pineda and Osama bin Laden

The following was the President's first draft of his speech on the demise of Osama bin Laden, before it was edited down due to length.


...And so shortly after taking office, I directed Leon Panetta, the director of the CIA, to make the killing or capture of bin Laden the top priority of our war against al Qaeda..

Then, last August, after years of painstaking work by our intelligence community, I was briefed on a possible lead to bin Laden. It was far from certain, and it took many months to run this thread to ground. I met repeatedly with my national security team as we developed more information about the possibility that we had located bin Laden hiding within a compound deep inside of Pakistan.

And finally, last week, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action, and authorized an operation to get Osama bin Laden and bring him to justice.

So today I enlisted Mariners’ rookie Michael Pineda on his off-day to board a CH-46 Sea Knight bound for Pakistan.  I have composed a nifty rhyme to describe the operation.

It was six past six as El Diablo descended,
With a look in his eye like he’d been Facebook unfriended.
With a mind made of brimstone and a heart made of fire,
He is six feet seven inches, and his height’s even higher,
His pitches are alive as his soul is dead,
And his mind is as tilted as the cap on his head,
He has oak trees for legs and serpents for arms,
He was looking for a challenge so he tripped the alarms.
The guards rushed out to hold the line,
El Diablo wound up and fired 99.
The terrorists dropped, and their souls all fell,
There aren’t any virgins in the caverns of Hell.
With a compound full of corpses and a stomach starved for more,
El Diablo approached the master bedroom door.
The door was locked, but El Diablo had the key,
He ignored his explosives and headbutted it free.
El Diablo stared across the well-healed room
With a snarl full of death and a glare full of doom.
In one corner stood Osama, peering through the pitch black
In the other were the WMDs Saddam hid in Iraq.
Osama grabbed his wife and used her as a shield
To prolong the at bat and remain on the field.
So El Diablo spun a slider that wasn’t straight or logical,
With late-breaking bite, it was pure diaBOLical!
It curved around Osama’s wife and hit him in the eye,
And made him feel real terror, in the moment he died.
Then Osama turned to dust, and the world turned to free,
And so we made up a story about burying him at sea.

The death of bin Laden marks the most significant achievement to date in our nation's effort to defeat al Qaeda.

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