HOUSTON: Pitcher Bud Norris #20 of the Houston Astros takes a moment on the mound against the Pittsburgh Pirates at Minute Maid Park in Houston, Texas. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)
Federal agencies will provide relief to those unable to leave the area, but they will certainly be overtaxed. Experts in suck are predicting the fallout will spread as follows:
A. Greatest potential of suck
This area must be evacuated. Failure to evacuate may lead to listening to Scott Stapp sing Creed songs after watching the Astros play baseball. This level of exposure usually proves lethal.
B. Significant potential of suck
Persons who do not evacuate this area could potentially find themselves in a bar showing the Astros game on TV with the sound down, while Creed's "Higher" plays on the jukebox. This combination often is lethal.
C. Fair potential of suck
Persons who do not evacuate this area run the risk of hearing a passerby hum "With Arms Wide Open" at the same time another person is discussing Carlos Lee's defense. Such a combination can be extremely harmful.
D. Most likely safe from suck
This area is likely to be a safe zone. Discussions of Hunter Pence are usually accompanied by John Coltrane, The Clash, or other music that has no relation to Creed or Scott Stapp.