WASHINGTON, DC : Vendors prepare food before the start of opening day between the Washington Nationals and Atlanta Braves at Nationals Park. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)
This week's power rankings is based on a report of stadium health-code violations. As such, I wasn't the one who really ranked them, but I did get excerpts from the actual reports for each stadium, and I've included a brief snippet from those health reports with each team's ranking
It should be noted that the Cubs, White Sox, Twins, Orioles, and Tigers were not included in the report because of incomplete information. I've put those five teams on the bottom because they obviously have something to hide.
Now on to the excerpts:
Apparently, universal health care in Canada has greatly reduced number the of lepers working concession stands, and this led to Rogers Centre having the fewest fingers by far in any of the food found in any ballpark.
... there was a major violation originally noted, but it was later rescinded. The Health Department thought there was a report of "rancid mussels" but it was just a Rance Mullinks autograph on the inspection form.
Unfortunately, every last part of the buffalo wings were not kept at the proper temperature
There was an ice cream stand where the Chipwiches were improperly labeled as "Larrywiches," and this really annoyed the Chipwich ...
At least five of the 93 different items served at the Ballpark at Arlington did not contain meat -- a violation of state regulations.
.... a French concession worker was completely unable to pronounce "chowder" like a normal human being ...
The worker behind the counter of "’ Sliders Stand" is actually Mike Adams, and he’s a jerk who won’t let anyone even touch the sliders
"Paul and Lloyd Waner’s Beer Garden" is literally nothing but a roped-off area with big and little cups of poison.
Dodger Dogs look like this ...
... which violates city, county, state, federal, and biblical regulations
... employees must wash hands with soap and warm water, not in the rivers of delicious Minute Maid juice that flow freely in open aqueducts throughout the stadium.
... surprisingly, not nearly enough tortillas from taco stands around the park had impressions of’s face ...
Far too many hot dog vendors did not have the required warning label of "This hot dog may contain Youppi meat," which is a clear violation of city ordinance.
12. Florida Marlins
... there was only one hot dog for sale, and I asked the cashier how long it had been there for, and he said, "Since 2006." And I said, "2006?", and he said "Yeah." When I asked why, he said "Well, Stan from section 150 usually packs a lunch, and Frank from 153, well, we’re worried about Frank because he hasn't been eating a whole lot since he was laid off. And we're not going to buy the thing because they take that out of our paycheck, so why wouldn't we have the same hot dog? It's perfectly good. Try it."
... when a home run lands in the area known as "Big Mac Land," everyone in the section gets a coupon for a free Big Mac, which are poisonous. So by extension, the stadium was in violation of several ...
14. New York Yankees
The packaged meal they call "Roger Clemens Is In George’s Box Lunch" is often associated with symptoms of nausea and confusion. OF ALL THE DRAMATIC THINGS I'VE EVER EATEN.
15. Colorado Rockies
Everything -- shrimp, peanuts, hot dogs, Coke, ice cream -- is kept in that damned humidor at the same temperature. It's like a war zone in there ...
Some of the items served at "Troy Piecerval’s Pieporium!" were not kept cool enough , including the "Boston Cream Pie of Concord" and the "New York Cheesecake of Trenton."
17. Seattle Mariners
There were several violations that were initially reported as "major violations" but were later downgraded to "minor" when not a single customer could remember anything to do with "runs."
... eggs throughout the ballpark were served cooked -- not raw and during a montage as local code specifies.
19. New York Mets
... several customers complained that after eating the Darryl Strawberry Sundae, they suffered from increased heart rate, excitability, and a runny nose ...
20. Cincinnati Reds
Though the "Schott Dogs" found at various concession stands are extraordinarily cheap, they’re often old and toxic. Also, racist.
Despite the best efforts of management, Bernie Brewer’s brother, Billy Brewer, is constantly taking off his pants and sliding into vats of chili after every home run ...
... unfortunately, we could not complete this inspection because most of the food was completely covered with tarps.
... though it was odd that every seafood item in the ballpark tested positive for chlorine.
A concession worker who suggested trying a mustard-based barbecue sauce was only pummeled, not murdered, which violates all sorts of codes, both official and unofficial ...
25. Tampa Bay Rays
... but instead of throwing them out, some lower-level employee put all of the deviled eggs and devil’s food cake in a store room, where they’ve remained since 2009.
26. Chicago Cubs
Upon further inspection, the $10.00 "Greek Veggie Wrap" is just a hot-dog bun stuffed with ivy.
The oriole-filled kielbasa used to be 100% oriole, but pieces of filler were brought in from around the country before the season started, and most of them have spoiled. This is a disturbing development.
28. Minnesota Twins
Every -- and I mean every -- time I bought a ******* box of Cracker Jacks there, the ******* prize was a ******* temporary tattoo. What am I supposed to do with that? Also, I saw a bunch of rats rummaging around the Tony Oliva Garden, getting into the food containers, but can you believe that about the Cracker Jacks?
... management was informed that it doesn’t matter what Mr. Jackson’s first name is or what he calls himself, he has to have shoes on while he’s preparing food.
30. Detroit Tigers
The popular "Motor Oil Smoothie" stand uses 10-30 oil, not 10-40 as specified by regulations...
Previous Power Rankings:
6/13 - Random ex-major leaguers in minor-league system
6/6 - Awesome names in draft history
5/31 - Team logos
5/24 - Annoying people
5/17 - Song titles
5/10 - Hair metal bands
5/3 - Sitcom locations
4/24 - Team names