A preview trailer leading up to the broadcast said that, when you think Arizona, you think heat, snakes, cacti - and All-Stars. When I think Arizona, I think heat, snakes, cacti, mesas, broken-down rusty trucks, and basically a lot of things you associate with heat. Dry creek beds. Cow skulls. Scorpions. Hard taco shells, which are so much worse than soft taco shells. "Yeah I like my food to collapse completely as soon as I try to eat it." You eat wrong.

By the way, if it feels like there are more All-Stars this year than usual, you're not wrong. After all the injuries and ineligibles, they were really left scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Chris Berman has done an embarrassing job of trying to get everybody in the stadium excited, by asking every possible section if they are ready. He didn't so much ask them as he did scream at them. The response was tepid.

The participants were then announced soon thereafter, and each of them drew audible boos. I don't think the people who paid for tickets even want to be watching this. Arizonans have so much disposable income they literally don't know what to do with it.

And now we've begun, with Adrian Gonzalez leading off for the American League team. Gonzalez is currently playing for both Team American League and Team Adrian Gonzalez. If you think about it, all of these participants are multitasking.

David Ortiz just ran up and interrupted Gonzalez's set by offering him a drink of fruit punch Gatorade. I am drinking a fruit punch Gatorade! Just like the stars!

Gonzalez finished his first round with nine home runs, which would've been sufficient for him to advance to the second round a year ago. Six also would've been sufficient. So that's it, right? The derby is over now?