Wait a second, none of these players are wearing helmets! They haven't been wearing helmets the whole time! Everybody's always talking about safety and the impressionable children, but apparently safety doesn't matter during the home run derby. What if there are kids watching? Do we not care, because this is a meaningless exhibition instead of an actual game of significance? Does that mean players can take steroids for the derby too? Because that would probably make the derby way better.

Anyhoo here's Robinson Cano now, needing to hit 11 homers to tie Adrian Gonzalez and 12 to beat him. He's hitting to Katy Perry's Firework at the moment, so apparently he learned something from the David Ortiz experience. He will continue batting off his father, who has become dead.

...Cano's off to a strong start, with four outs and five homers. Said the broadcast of a Cano home run:

I don't think they can measure that!

Yes they can.

Cano's in a good groove now, with six outs and...ten home runs. My girlfriend just walked in and I looked at her and said "yeah I think this guy's going to win," with the same tone I use when I'm talking about a thing that matters. It took three hours but the derby finally tricked me into acting like it's relevant. This time it counts!

There's the tying shot. And...there's the line drive homer to win it. Only took Cano six outs to hit 12 dingers. We have a new champion! A new champion of home runs!