While you were rockin' in the new year last night, we were working diligently to uncover the New Year's resolutions of your favorite baseball personalities. Or your least favorite, depending on your rooting interests. We present them to you for your New Year's Day enjoyment.
Baseball's Secret New Year's Resolutions for 2012
Focus on pitching. The pitching will involve only baseballs. San Francisco Giants closer Brian Wilson: Nothing else.
Lots and lots of scoring. No New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter: gift baskets involved.
Former Divest stock in all telecommunications companies. Telephones St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa: are not reliable anymore.
Fox Sports baseball play-by-play announcer Joe Buck: Join Twitter, send funny tweets, show I have a personality. (Done.)
Fox Sports baseball color analyst Tim McCarver: Learn that S-T-R-I-K-E is a six letter word and that the letter "K" is worth 5 points in Scrabble.
Let new teammate Los Angeles Angels first baseman Albert Pujols: C.J. Wilson wear my 2011 World Series ring on one of his days off. But only until there are two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning.
Smile. Once. But make sure no one is looking. Texas Rangers President Nolan Ryan:
Get endorsement deal for skin cream that keeps your skin looking Arizona Diamondbacks third baseman Ryan Roberts: clear, soft and fresh.
Lose weight, shrink head and hit 65 home runs. Then see what the Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista: critics have to say.
Invent a Boston Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine: wrap with beer-dipped fried chicken as the main ingredient. Sell it at all major league ballparks, except Fenway Park.
Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington: Read Shawn Green's The Way of Baseball: Finding Stillness at 95 MPH. Then find stillness in the dugout.
Also Read Shawn Green's book. Go deeper in the study of Buddhism, including a two-week retreat that includes a vow of silence. Looks like LoMo is Miami Marlins outfielder Logan Morrison: already on the right path.
San Francisco Giants starting pitchers Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain: Pitch to the score. Otherwise known as throwing a shutout. Every game.
Texas Rangers infielder Play Michael Young: like an MVP in 2012.
Unsigned free agent closer Learn how to speed read. And how to speed sign a contract. Ryan Madson: Especially when the contract calls for a $44 million payout.
Start local chapters of BAIWA: Atlanta Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez and Pittsburgh Pirates manager Clint Hurdle: Bunts and Intentional Walks Anonymous.
Perform nightly Oakland Athletics general manager Billy Beane: acoustic shows with daughter to raise money for new ballpark. Make this song the feature of the show.
Start an investment club with former New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon: Mets outfielder Lenny Dykstra. Could it get any worse?
San Francisco Giants catcher Start a book club with Miami Marlins outfielder Buster Posey: Scott Cousins in which the first book is No Future Without Forgiveness by Desmond Tutu.
Actually, that last one might not be a bad idea.
Happy New Year, baseball fans.