Point: This is a great postseason for baseball history
Baseball is about history.
Where it's been. Where it's going.
It's about names. Ty Cobb. Stan Musial. Babe Ruth. Willie Mays.
And if you want history, you couldn't do better than the last four teams standing in 2012. All of these teams exude the history of baseball with just a mere mention. The Cardinals go back to 1882, when they were the Brown Stockings, and the Giants go back to 1883, when they were the Gothams. Such history! The Tigers go back to 1901. They're so old, their first team had three players named "Kid" in the starting lineup: Kid Gleason, Kid Elberfeld, and Kid Nance. Isn't that wild?
The Yankees also go back to 1901, but they're so much more than a date. They're the greatest franchise in baseball history! Mantle, Ruth, Gehrig, Joltin' Joe, Yogi, Reggie … boy, what a legacy. If any franchise was the perfect fit for a first-ballot Hall of Famer like Derek Jeter, it was the Yankees.
My only complaint is the old haunts are gone. It would have been so much more … historical to have an ALCS split between Tiger Stadium and the old Yankee Stadium.
So no matter who wins the World Series, just know that it's been a team that's been around since the beginnings of baseball, when the game evolved into the National Pastime. This sort of thing never happens these days, what with all of the expansion teams running around. These are the teams that could have been battling for the pennant before there was flight, before there was a radio in every home.
This is history. These teams are the embodiment of baseball history. And we're just all so danged lucky to get a chance to watch it.
Counterpoint: I hate your stupid teams and I want to punch you in the throat
Oh, god, not these teams again.
I would like to take your stupid history and set it on fire. If I cannot literally set your stupid history on fire, I will substitute a small animal you're fond of. That's how much I hate these stupid teams.
Oh, goody, the last three World Series Champions and a rich team that was in the ALCS last season. This is so cool. It's like we're living in the fetishized Strat-O-Matic league of John Galt, just like I've always dreamed.
I get why people in and around New York root for the Yankees. It must be nice. I root for the U.S. in the Olympic sports they historically dominate, so I know the feeling. You can't help it. But Yankees fans have to realize that the rest of the world hates them. They have to know how boring it is to see the Yankees, every year, in the playoffs, screwing around, breaking the hearts of perfectly good teams, getting all grabby with yet another championship.
Baseball doesn't have to be fair, but it doesn't have to be so blatantly unfair that the Yankees are in the playoffs every damned year.
And the Yankees fans who didn't grow up in the area are sociopaths. The FBI should dig through Facebook and eHarmony profiles and get a public list going.
And, ooooh, the Giants. Hey, TBS and Fox! Can I get some shots of Brian Wilson and his beard, even though he's not even playing? Hilarious! HE'S SO UNIQUE. Can I get some shots of people wearing panda hats, some close ups of grown men in the stands wearing panda hats, and all of the panda hats? Can you work on that for us during the broadcast? That would really help my enjoyment of the game.
They just won the stupid thing two years ago. And then all of sudden their fans were everywhere, invading other ballparks like nouveau Red Sox fans. Where were you when the Matt Morris Era was going on, bandwagoners?
The Cardinals are just as annoying as the Yankees, but they're sneakier about it. They're creepier, too. They'll slit the throats of long-suffering teams right when their optimism is at its peak. The Cardinals just won the World Series with an 83-win team. Then they won it again as the wild card, but only because Craig Kimbrel blew a save in the 162nd game of the year. Now they're going to win it again as the first second wild card to ever play? What sort of gerrymandering crap is this?
The Tigers are rich, and they paid $200 million to steal a franchise icon away from a less-fortunate team. And Delmon Young is an anti-Semite or something? Cool, cool. Maybe if the Tigers win the World Series, Jose Valverde will get naked and do the Electric Slide on the mound until security wrestles him away. It would be such a joy to see him celebrate.
I mean, the Orioles were in the playoffs. The Orioles. They were screwing around with Corey Patterson and Felix Pie, like, two years ago. They were the underdogs to end all underdogs. The Nationals were a fresh team, too. They hadn't won a playoff series since 1981, and even then a) it was under some weird post-strike system that didn't really count, and b) that was when they were the Expos. Man, I would have loved to watch Bryce Harper in the playoffs, running like he's scared he'll be cut from the team.
The Reds … well, no one's really thought about the Reds for a couple of decades, but I could have gotten behind them. Joey Votto and Aroldis Chapman are amazing, and the team hasn't won a title in over two decades -- just long enough for them to get legitimate sympathy points.
Then we get to the A's. Oh, sweet, sweet, A's. Maybe the most exciting, easy-to-like team of the last decade. A team filled with rookies and youngsters too stupid to know better, who defied all of the odds and predictions to stun what was supposed to be the best team since the '27 Yankees. A team whose fans dress up like idiots and cheer like bigger idiots, and I mean that in the best way.
Can you imagine a Nationals/A's World Series? Two teams that built each others' playoff run with huge offseason trades? Two teams with hungry, rabid fan bases going nuts in a raucous home stadium? Man, that kind of stuff is why I watch baseball.
Instead we have the Yankees, Cardinals, Giants, and Tigers. What a bunch of crap.
Hold on. I'm going to get a sharpened letter opener. Please don't tell me about the Yankee Mystique until I get back. Hold on.
I guess I'll root for the Tigers.
Maybe a blimp will crash.
Apologies to the Onion, from whom this format was shamefully borrowed