Scenes from Moneyball II

Kelley L Cox-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

Everyone's talking about the sequel to Moneyball, so let's take a quick peek at what that might look like.

When the A's started winning, the jokes started. Moneyball II: Electric Boogaloo. The 2012 A's are a sequel to Moneyball! Moneyball this, and Moneyball that!

Here's the problem, though: Moneyball II would be boring. Unless you're gussing it up a bit and having Josh Reddick hot-wire a car to escape rogue federal agents, there's no overriding narrative. The A's were successful because Brandon Moss hit a billion home runs in 100 at-bats. Brandon Moss is almost 30, and the Pirates gave up on him for sensible reasons. He doesn't make sense. Neither does Sean Doolittle, A.J. Griffin, or Travis Blackley.

Nothing about the 2012 Oakland A's makes sense. But it's beautiful. The only way to make Moneyball II is if you go Fellini on it. Don't worry about making sense. Just tell the truth.

Some samples of a Moneyball II spec script I've been working on if you don't believe me:

Billy Beane: Mr. Wolff, I'd like to lay out a bold new vision of A's baseball.


Beane: Our current paradigm just isn't working.


Beane: Rookies. Especially rookie pitchers. They can't go wrong! Next slide.


Beane: Everyone likes rookies. They're new. They're fresh. They're exciting. Next slide.


Beane: If we trade our current pitchers for rookie pitchers, we'll have a leg up. This is called "exploiting the market inefficiency." And it always works. Just like young pitchers. Next slide.


Beane: This is our future. This is how we'll win the AL West. Thank you for your time.

Star-divide

Billy Beane: We'd like to sign Yoenis Cespedes for a lot of money. We'll present you with the best offer, and we'll outbid the other teams.

Yoenis Cespedes's Agent:

Yoenis Cespedes's Agent:

Yoenis Cespedes's Agent:

Yoenis Cespedes's Agent:

Yoenis Cespedes's Agent: Okay.

Star-divide

Billy Beane: We want you to pitch.

Sean Doolittle: I've only ever played first base.

Beane: It's not that hard, Sean. Tell him, Wash.

Beane: … Wash?

Beane: /dials cell phone

Beane: Wash, I need you to say "It's incredibly hard."

Ron Washington: **** you, Billy. I'm not going to ****** help your ***** *** ****** *******. We're rivals now, you hear me? I don't want whatever freaky project you have going on to bite me on the ass one day.

Beane: Come on. Just say it. We're taking our first-round pick, who's shown good power and patience as a first baseman, and we're making him a left-handed setup man.

Washington: For real? Well, that sounds ridiculous …

Beane: Come on. Say it …

Beane: /holds phone up

Washington: It's incredibly hard.

Beane: /pumps fist

Live studio audience: /whoops and cheers

Star-divide

Peter Brand: Okay. People who run ball clubs, they think in terms of buying players. Your goal shouldn't be to buy players, your goal should be to buy Brandons. And in order to buy Brandons, you need to buy Brandons.

Billy Beane: Wait, what?

Brand: You're trying to replace Brandon Allen. The Boston Red Sox see Brandon Allen and they see a Brandon who's worth seven-and-a-half Brandon bucks. When I see Brandon Allen, what I see is ... is... an imperfect understanding of where Brandons come from.

Beane: This isn't ...

Brand: There's a whole ocean of Brandons under our feet! No one can get at it but me! Brandon Allen, Brandon Moss, Brandon Hicks, Brandon McCarthy, Brandon Inge …

Brand: /does line of powdered Brandon

Star-divide

Billy Beane: When I met you in Moneyball I: The First Moneyball, I took a liking to you because you seemed to be smart.

Peter Brand: Okay.

Beane: You told Mark Shapiro to hold on to Karim Garcia in that movie.

Brand: Yes.

Beane: Karim Garcia looks like this now:


Brand: We're, uh, not selling roomy sweatpants here. Unless maybe we should. That could be a money maker.

Beane: You're fired.

Star-divide

Billy Beane: I think you need a top-of-the-rotation pitcher. I have one. Gio Gonzalez.

Mike Rizzo: What are you doing in my office? Why don't you just call me like a normal GM?

Beane: If you give me three or four of your best prospects, you can have Gonzalez.

Rizzo: Seriously, what kind of GM galavants around and personally visits 29 other teams?

Beane: I like Tom Milone, for starters.

Rizzo: Did you eat the pear I left on my desk? I was saving that!

Beane: Derek Norris is interesting.

Rizzo: Wait, your hair. Did you sleep here? What's that smell? I'm calling security.

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