In a blistering jeremiad on the state of penmanship among today's athletes, former Phillies third-baseman Mike Schmidt asked, "Since when did the signatures of today's celebrity athletes become worse than your local physician's scrawl on a prescription slip?" Great question.

Like the rest of America, I couldn't wait to read the next Associated Press column from the typewriter of Michael Jack Schmidt. But unlike the rest of you, I have a friend who works for the AP, and was able to sneak a peek at the Hall of Famer's next several submissions. Obviously I can't share them with you, but I did scribble their headlines on my hand when no one was looking (as neatly as possible, remembering Schmidt's bête noire).

Kids Today Always Playing With Their Computer Machines

Zoo Animals Getting Really Weird

This Supermarket Is Way Too Big

I Finally Decided To Get One Of Those Necklaces For My Glasses

Why Can't I Get My Mail Before Three O'Clock?

Neighborhood Kids Fatter Than Ever

Jersey Boys Is Wonderful