Time to tell any old-school baseball fans you know to **** off and die
This may be my last post here at Baseball Nation for quite some time, possibly forever. I had a long discussion with my friend Rob "Cool Guy" Neyer last night. He has agreed, tentatively to take over this website. I cannot think of a better person to run things. He has a good head on his shoulders. He has the absolute right ideology, a Bill James Sabermetrician who recognizes the evils of traditional baseball analysis, and supports a strong analytical foundation, defense of statistics, and of course, our personal rights to make fun of the dinosaurs in the BBWAA. Please give Rob all your support in the coming weeks, months, and possibly years.
Marc Normandin will still be contributing of course. Rob will take great care to publish all his numerous articles, and witty commentary. I am deeply grateful to my dear friend Marc for all he has done to assist me since I helped start this website two years ago.
Now, that said. Firstly, I was wrong. I let my optimism get the best of me. I even lashed out at Jon Morosi a time or two, saying he was nuts for his predictions. Jon was right. I was fantastically wrong. We were crushed last night at all levels, most especially in the MVP voting. There is virtually no good news from last night's results for the statistical wing of baseball fans. I apologize Jon. I hope you can see fit to accept my apology.
Secondly, today starts a new course for my life. I've soured on baseball given what happened last night. I believe now the best course of action is outright revolt. What do I mean by that?
Well, to each his own. Some may choose to push for expulsion of some of the BBWAA writers. Others may choose to leave baseball for good (football, basketball, hockey, lacrosse, soccer, jai alai). Still others may want to personally separate themselves from the United States here in North America while still living under caveman rule; the Brian Kenny, grab your calculators, Baseball Abstracts, WAR-loving, survivalist route. I heartily endorse all these efforts.
￼Express your hatred, shame, and outright disgust with anyone you know who approved of the Miguel Cabrera vote
However, for me, I'm choosing another rather unique path; a personal boycott, if you will. Starting early this morning, I am going to un-friend every single individual on Facebook who supported Miguel Cabrera, or I even suspect may have anti-sabermetric leanings. I will do the same in person. All family and friends, even close family and friends, who I know to be Cabrera supporters are hereby dead to me. I vow never to speak to them again for the rest of my life, or have any communications with them. They are in short, the enemies of liberty. They deserve nothing less than hatred and utter contempt.
I strongly urge all other sabermetricans to do the same. Are you married to someone who supported Cabrera, have a girlfriend who voted 'M'. Divorce them. Break up with them without haste. Vow not to attend family functions, Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas for example, if there will be any family members in attendance who were Triple Crown fetishists.
Do you work for someone who would have voted for Cabrera? Quit your job. Co-workers who would have voted for Cabrera. Simply don't talk to them in the workplace, unless your boss instructs you too for work-related only purposes. Have clients who would have voted for Cabrera? Call them up this morning and tell them to take their business elsewhere.
Have a neighbor who would have voted for Cabrera? You could take a crap on their lawn. Then again, probably not a good idea since it would be technically illegal to do this. But you could have your dog take care of business. Not your fault if he just happens to choose that particular spot.
And start your boycott of your Cabrera-loving friends and family today. Like this morning. First thing you can do, very easy, is to un-friend all Cabrera fans from your Facebook account.
￼Boycott Business who sell Cabrera Paraphernalia
Thirdly, I believe we all need to express disgust with Miguel Cabrera in public places. To some extent I already do this. Example:
When I'm in line at the Sports Authority, I plan on bringing a Miguel Cabrera Triple Crown MVP shirt to the register. I will make it a point to say loudly to the check-out clerk, "Triple Crown, what is that for?" She will inevitably say, "It's the guy who leads in the three major statistical categories." I will respond, "Oh, you mean dinosaur stats? Great. I think for a living. I use my brain to examine a problem critically, requiring evidence for my claims." And will I look around with disgust, making sure others in line have heard me.
I am going to step this up. I am going to do far more of this in my life. It's going to be my personal crusade. I hope other sabermetricians will eventually join me.
What I plan to do this week, is to get yard signs made up, at my own expense, that read, "MIGUEL CABRERA IS FOR PEOPLE LIVING IN THE DARK AGES." I will put the signs out on public property off of the right-of-way so it's entirely legal, in front of every ballpark or sporting goods store that sells Cabrera merchandise. I may even do some sign waving in front of these stores, holding up my "CABRERA IS FOR DINOSAURS WHO NEED TO RETIRE," sign, and waving to passers-by.
If I meet a Cabrera supporter in my life from here on out, I will shun them immediately. I will spit on the ground in front of them, being careful not to spit in their general direction so that they can't charge me with some stupid little nuisance law. Then I'll tell them in no un-certain terms: "I do not associate with Cabrera supporters. You all are old-school pigs, and I have nothing but utter disgust for you. Sir/Madam, you are scum of the earth." Then I'll turn and walk the other way.
Buttons. Boy, you can have a lot of fun with this. I plan to make up a bunch of buttons, and wear them around town, sayings like "Miguel Cabrera fans are Old-School Pigs," or "Old-school stats steal from right-thinking Americans," "Only Nazis support Triple Crown Stats" or "Making fun of WAR?: Evidence-o-phobes go **** Yourselves."
There are so many other nasty little things I plan to do against the Triple Crown fetishists and those who support them. Perhaps I'll keep Rob informed and he can report on my activities here at BN.
For now, off to my first assignment: Telling all my friends and family who would have voted for Cabrera to "**** off, don't ever speak to me again you slimeball *************." Wish me luck!
(This article is a direct satire of this, by the way. It would probably help to point that out.)