Bud Selig And Fidel Castro: The Transcripts

selig castro 1

In which we attempt to figure out what Bud Selig and Fidel Castro were talking about when they were hanging out in 1999.

Cuba, 1999. Bud Selig, Peter Angelos, and Fidel Castro enjoy the Baltimore Orioles' exhibition against the Cuban National Team. The meeting really happened. The following conversations probably did not. But I'd like to think they did. Both photos are undoctored and from the Associated Press.

Bud Selig: I'm hungry. I think I'm going to get a hot dog. You want something, Fidel?

Fidel Castro: I do not eat what you call "hot dogs." It is a way for capitalists to process foodstuffs the bourgeois will not eat into something they pass off to the proletariat, fattening them up and filling them with nitrates so they will die early deaths and make room for the next wave of drones.

Selig: Oh. I never thought of it like that.

Castro: I am kidding. I like lots of relish.

Peter Angelos: Man, that guy you got pitching is something else, Fidel. His mechanics are weird, though. When he throws a pitch, he doesn't immediately turn his back to home plate and follow the flight of the ball as it sails into the night. I wonder if our coaches could teach our guys that.

Selig: Okay. Back in a jiffy!

Angelos: I'll bet I could order our coaches to teach that. Yeah. Order them.

Star-divide

Later that evening


Selig: Take the damn picture already.

Photographer: Gimme a second. Just adjusting the lens. Keep smiling. One second.

Selig: Take the damn picture already.

Angelos: What an amazing day! Baseball with the bros, right? Just hangin' with Bud 'n' Fidel. Chummin' it up. Havin' a blast. Good ol' Bud and Fidel. And now there's a fancy dinner in store for us? Boy, oh, boy, what a day. Look at my smile!

Selig: Oh, Fidel. Forgot to get that five bucks from you for the hot dog.

The photographer snaps the picture.

Castro: Wait, you paid for the hot dogs? You don't have to pay for them. This is my country. I could have had the second baseman stop the game and hand-deliver them to us.

Selig: Yeah, well, I didn't know that. And I paid for them. So ...

Castro: So what?

Selig: I mean, I paid for the hot dog. What's done is done, right?

Castro: I don't see why I should be responsible for your mistake. I would never use my own money to buy a hot dog.

Selig: ...

Castro: ...

Angelos: Calvin Pickering and I had this same argument once. I had him demoted.

Star-divide


Thirteen years later ...

Administrative Assistant: Okay, shoot.

Selig: Ahem. "Major League Baseball supports today’s decision by the Marlins to suspend Ozzie Guillen."

Assistant: Got it.

Selig: "As I have often said, Baseball is a social institution with important social responsibilities. All of our 30 Clubs play significant roles within their local communities, and I expect those who represent Major League Baseball to act with the kind of respect and sensitivity that the game’s many cultures deserve."

Assistant: Okay. Got it.

Selig: "Mr. Guillen’s remarks, which were offensive to an important part of the Miami community and others throughout the world, have no place in our game."

Assistant: Good.

Selig: "And I should hope that Mr. Guillen knows just how awful and rude Mr. Castro is, and that in addition to the countless horrors he has perpetrated on his own people, he is the kind of person who will ask you to get a hot dog for him and then not pay you back. In addition, he chews with his mouth open and will not shut up while the game is being played."

Assistant: Uh ...

Selig: Maybe I should leave that part off.

***


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