Cole Hamels did something that players have done thousands of times in baseball history: fire a fastball into a young punk's ribs to learn him a lesson 'bout the big leagues and such. But Cole Hamels also did something unusual afterward. He admitted that he threw at Bryce Harper. That didn't sit well with Major League Baseball, and the hammer came down on Monday:

Cole Hamels was suspended five games and fined. No word on an appeal yet.

— Matt Gelb (@magelb) May 7, 2012

This means that Hamels will probably appeal, though, and then right as the Phillies have a properly timed off day that allows another starter to make a start on his normal rest, Hamels will suddenly decide to drop his appeal, which will push his start back a day. He'll sure think this one over now.

And with that, our long national nightmare is over. I'm sure that no one will ever, ever throw at Bryce Harper again.