Yesterday, I wrote this feature, something of a rant, as to why the Red Sox and Orioles "threw away" Sunday's game by both using position players as pitchers.
Perhaps I was too hasty. Chris Davis had better velocity than some men who are actually on major league rosters as pitchers. Seeing this happen, while maybe not the best baseball, is at the very least entertaining.
Baseball managers can't put just anyone off the bench in to pitch -- they have to submit a list of which position players they'd use, if things came to that point. But what if any position player were eligible? Which position players would you like to see take the mound?
Here are my selections, one for each of the 30 teams (including the Red Sox and Orioles), in alphabetical order by city, working off the 25-man rosters as of Tuesday, May 8.
Arizona Diamondbacks
This is the team that once sent Mark Grace, with a sheepish grin on his face, to the mound to pitch. In that spirit, I choose 40-year-old catcher Henry Blanco. Besides, he probably knows more about pitching than many current pitchers.
Atlanta Braves
Chipper Jones. He's retiring anyway after this season. Why not?
Baltimore Orioles
Chris Davis did a nice job, actually. But seeing Nick Johnson out there would be way funnier. Besides, with all his injuries, maybe he could have a second career on the mound.
Boston Red Sox
Darnell McDonald made his second pitching appearance in less than a calendar year Sunday, so it's obvious he's Boston's guy. Seriously, though -- wouldn't you love to see David Ortiz throwing 70-mile-per-hour fastballs?
Chicago Cubs
Even standing on a 10-inch-high pitching mound wouldn't make Tony Campana taller than a lot of the hitters he'd be facing. He'd probably get everyone out because they'd be laughing so hard they wouldn't see his pitches sneak across the plate. This is a team that sent 5-7 outfielder Doug Dascenzo to the mound four different times. His career ERA was 0.00.
Chicago White Sox
A.J. Pierzynski. No explanation is needed here, I trust.
Cincinnati Reds
They've got last year's 19th-inning pitching hero, Wilson Valdez, on their roster after an offseason deal with the Phillies, so that's who they'd probably use. Really, there isn't anyone else on that roster I'd rather see pitch, so I'll choose Valdez.
Cleveland Indians
Johnny Damon. That'd be fun. Too bad they can't plan that in advance, because doing that might actually put some people in all those empty seats.
Colorado Rockies
Jason Giambi. Oh, please. Particularly if they're at home. Someone might hit a home run off him into the Rockpile.
Detroit Tigers
This could be an entire fun-fest. Wouldn't you love to see Prince Fielder on the mound? That'd be great. But so would a pitching appearance by Miguel Cabrera. Or Delmon Young. We can only hope.
Houston Astros
This roster is so young that there's just one obvious choice, a man who wears a pitcher's uniform number: Carlos Lee.
Kansas City Royals
At the risk of upsetting Royals fans, there might be several position players on this roster who could do better than the current pitching staff, which ranks 12th in the American League in ERA. But the obvious choice has to be Jeff Francoeur, who probably has the best arm of anyone on the team.
Los Angeles Angels
Well, Albert Pujols isn't hitting much. Maybe he could have a second career as a pitcher.
Los Angeles Dodgers
Jerry Hairston Jr., who has done many humorous things on a baseball field, would be comic relief on the mound.
Miami Marlins
Carlos Zambrano, who has 23 career home runs. Oh, wait. He's already a pitcher. Then it's got to be Logan Morrison, who would use it for an entire episode of his SB Nation YouTube show.
Milwaukee Brewers
You'd think my first choice here would be Ryan Braun, but I'm going with Corey Hart. Seeing that 6-foot-6 frame staring down from a pitcher's mound at a hitter could even be intimidating.
Minnesota Twins
In 2011, they used outfielder/first baseman Michael Cuddyer as a pitcher; he threw a scoreless inning, but now he's playing for the Rockies. Denard Span would be amusing, if only for the tweets we'd see after the game.
New York Mets
This roster has been made over so many times by injury this season that there isn't really anyone that interesting in the position player list. So let's go with Scott Hairston, just to get both the Hairston brothers on the mound.
New York Yankees
Gotta be Derek Jeter. (Although seeing Andruw Jones take the mound would provide some amusement.)
Oakland Athletics
Kila Ka'aihue. I was surprised to learn, when looking up Kila's major league record to date, that there have been 20 Hawaii-born pitchers in MLB history, including two active hurlers: Scott Feldman and Jerome Williams.
Philadelphia Phillies
Juan Pierre has one of the worst arms of any major league outfielder. Could he even get the ball to the plate from the mound? (Of course he could. Just not very fast.)
Pittsburgh Pirates
The Pirates also have a roster that's had quite a bit of turnover since last season, and even during this season. I don't have a personal favorite here, so let's choose Neil Walker, because he's a Pittsburgh-area native.
St. Louis Cardinals
Yadier Molina, just to see if he can throw as slowly as he runs.
San Diego Padres
Yonder Alonso, because he's got such a great name.
San Francisco Giants
The Giants don't seem to want to use Brandon Belt for his appropriate purpose, which is playing first base and mashing the ball, so why not try him on the mound?
Seattle Mariners
Ichiro. He probably wants to. Why not? In fact, let him start a game. I'll bet he could throw a complete game shutout if he wanted to. (Especially if he were facing his own team.)
Tampa Bay Rays
Jose Molina. If nothing else, he'd be the largest pitcher in baseball. And also, so we have a complete set of Molinas on the mound.
Texas Rangers
I don't have a particular favorite here either, so my choice is Elvis Andrus, just so we'd have an "Elvis" to go with "Yonder".
Toronto Blue Jays
Omar Vizquel gets the nod here, so that the American League could have a 45-plus-year-old pitcher to match the National League's Jamie Moyer. (Vizquel can probably throw faster than Moyer, too.)
Washington Nationals
I could pick Rick Ankiel here, because he used to be an actual major league pitcher. But that would probably make the games too long, because of all the wild pitches we'd probably see. So instead, I'll choose Bryce Harper. Because Harper can do everything.