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MLB Fan Cave Hieroglyphs Are Window To Bygone Era

Primitive 1st-Gen iPad Among Relics Found

NEW YORK‒Newly discovered inscriptions at an ancient fan cave in lower Manhattan suggest that Major League Baseball in 2011 was dominated by two powerful city-states that engaged in a protracted superpower struggle.

The texts, which appear on the fan cave's "autograph wall," are among the most extensive ever found.

The glyphs reveal that Tampa played a major role in fierce and bloody warfare that raged back and forth between the major American League cities of Boston and New York for several months, "until the New Yorks finally prevailed in or about September of 2011," said Lex Humphries, Professor of Anthropology at Columbia University.

In addition to the hieroglyphs, several artifacts have been discovered in the fan cave, among which is an archaic 1st-generation iPad, which lacked both a quad-core processor and the high-resolution retina display.

"These clumsy tools tell us that MLB Fan Cave Man was a ruthless savage," explained archeologist Bill Higgins. "How he ever survived here, with this shitty tablet that doesn't even have a forward-facing camera, is a mystery science may never solve," he added.

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