#Hot Corner

This Week In Steroids

Item! Steroid use among high school girls on rise

When I think of a nation of teenaged girls, 'roided up to the gills, kicking soccer balls at superhuman velocity, I know the Roger Clemens prosecution was worth every last penny.

Item! Stanford Is Building a Body-Cooling Glove That Might Work 'Better Than Steroids'

Whether you call it "testosterone" or "HGH" or "a heat-extracting glove that alters the body's core temperature without harmful side effects," it all adds up to the same thing: Steroids. Don't fool yourself.

Item! "Player agents Sam and Seth Levinson asserted Thursday they had no knowledge that checks from a joint account with former client Paul Lo Duca were being used to purchase performance-enhancing drugs."

This reporter can't help but think Major League Baseball might have avoided these kinds of problems altogether by not letting Italians in the league in the first place.

Item! George Mitchell, the hero cop who exposed dozens of ballplayers as effete, steroid-ingesting weirdos, says jobs are the key to a healthy economy. Jobs, and vitally-needed blimp deregulation, says your humble reporter.

Item! "I played that game for a while, tearing into Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds as scoundrels. What I finally realized is steroids outrage is pious fraud. And it is time to say to hell with all of that. What I dare to suggest is a war on the war on steroids."

You have made a powerful enemy today, Jen Floyd Engel. I hereby declare a preemptive war on your war on the war against steroids. In addition, I am making it my life's mission to have you and your dangerous opinions drummed out of polite society. I know I said my life's mission was to rid the world of steroids but now I'm doing this, too. That's right, I have two life missions.

Until next time, steroid watchers! Remember, moderation in pursuit of steroid justice is no virtue!

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