The magic of ceremonial first pitches

Denis Poroy

First pitches are in the news because of Carly Rae Jepsen, the pop star who threw an embarrassing first pitch, even though she's done okay before. This pops up every other month or so because people who throw out first pitches usually aren't baseball players, and those sorts of people are usually terrible at throwing baseballs.

Hahaha, you naïve fool. Never. In fact, today's installment of Fun With the Photo Tool is based on a search for "First pitch."

To recap, these are all pictures that are found through a search in the SB Nation story editor. The first installment, baseball players running into each other, is here. The second one has to do with the word "errors," and you can find it here. Sometimes you need a picture of Darth Vader and a Giant Foam Luis Gonzalez, and sometimes you something else. This is the third installment, and it concerns ceremonial first pitches.

Some first pitches, broken into categories:

Players and former players

Among the more common pictures in the photo tool are those of former players. Hall of Famers, Hall of Nearly Greaters, familiar names …


Yeah, like, that. Here are some current and former players.


(Photo by Daniel Shirey/Getty Images)

Like most of us, you've woke up thinking Chipper Jones was standing over your bed at night, holding a hatchet, and muttering "No one calls me Larry" under his breath. Now you have a face to sear into your brain for that moment.


(Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

Mariners PR person: Hello? Hi, we're commissioning a 50-foot-banner of Randy Johnson's face, and we're hoping you would …

Other end of the line: /click

Mariners PR person: Dammit, not again. There has to be a better way!


(Photo by Marcio Jose Sanchez-Pool/Getty Images)


Hold on, I have a theory on why Matt Cain's ERA doesn't match his peripherals this season. It has to do with defensive positioning. Hear me out …

Also, rad mustache, Barry Zito.

The Giants are apparently big on this sort of thing, as they've let Hunter Pence throw a first pitch.


(Photo by Denis Poroy/Getty Images)

And the Phillies let Cliff Lee throw a first pitch for some reason.


(Photo by Hunter Martin/Getty Images)

And while Brayan Peña didn't exactly throw this first pitch, this is just about the Royalsiest picture I've ever seen.


(Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images)


That would be a Royal with a comically oversized mitt, unable to catch a baseball. Royals!

Star-divide

Pitch faces

Some of the most legendary sports figures in history have thrown a first pitch recently. Jerry Rice. Magic Johnson. Sadaharu Oh. But none of them came close to the pitch face of Wayne Gretzky.


(Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images)


It must be a Toronto thing, because I have a new screensaver for you.


(Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images)


Golden Acapulco nights, indeed. Nothing is going to top a Geddy Lee pitch face -- with bonus midriff! -- and that's mostly Gene Simmons's fault for being so danged cool under pressure.


(Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)


Now Pam Grier doesn't have the best pitch face …


(Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

… but at least she threw the ball so hard that it made it explode into a fiery ball of cork, leather, and stitches.

And finally, this:


(Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)


You're welcome.

Star-divide


Rule 34

Look, if you don't know what Rule 34 is … you're probably not going to want these pictures in your head when you Google it or click that link to the Wikipedia page. But here are some Rule 34 pictures, along with a snippet of slash-fic for each one.


Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports

Sample slash-fic:

… I put on my robe and camouflage wizard hat …




(Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

Sample slash-fic:

She hand-fed him felt-covered cod after felt-covered cod. He lay on the divan, languidly looking up at the ceiling.

"Aren't you hot in that felt-covered seal costume, eating felt-covered cod?", she asked.




(Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)

Sample slash-fic:

oh hell no i'm not writing that

And, finally, there's one last category that's near and dear to my heart.

Star-divide

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


(Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images)


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Tom Szczerbowski-USA TODAY Sports


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


(Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images)


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Kyle Terada-US PRESSWIRE


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Trending Discussions

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

Join Baseball Nation

You must be a member of Baseball Nation to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Baseball Nation. You should read them.

Join Baseball Nation

You must be a member of Baseball Nation to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Baseball Nation. You should read them.

Spinner

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9351_tracker