Sometimes you expect the news, and sometimes the news pantses you. From the Sun-Sentinel:
Marlins President David Samson ... will (appear) in the upcoming season of "Survivor." South Florida’s ABC affiliate reported Samson will be among 18 contestants on the long-running hit reality TV show.
The article says there have been 27 different Survivor iterations since the show began, but I've never seen an episode. So I don't have any stupid Marlins jokes. Sorry.
Marlins minor leaguer: Wait, this isn't my per diem. It's just a leaflet. "How To Catch and Cook Grackle With Your Bare Hands", by David Samson. The hell?
Jeffrey Loria: /writes suggestions for how to best navigate the Tribal CouncilJeffrey Loria: /puts note in coconut
Jeffrey Loria: /ties coconut to pigeonJeffrey Loria: /throws pigeon out of window
Pigeon: /plummets to ground and explodesJeffrey Loria: /thinks of something else to micro-manage
Samson: And I'm telling you, we shouldn't just fry the fish up. We should put it on a rotisserie and spin, spin, spin it until it cooks, with all sorts of colors, we need colors, can someone get us some colors? We have to find a plant to boil into pink and teal dyes. You, start spinning the fish. You, find a 20-foot-tall flamingo and twirl it. Don't ask questions, dammit, just do it.
Just kidding. I had stupid Marlins jokes.